its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
