no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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