you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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