420 ftw
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
