ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
