she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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