You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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