Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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