By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
