Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize