I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
