last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
