had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
