Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
