What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
