Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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