In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
