The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
