Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
All I want is dick and wine.
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