We're like a lot better than the average bears
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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