you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
