Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
