The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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