i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i came on her dog
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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