I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
