Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
