i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
