She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
