i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
