Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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