Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
