this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
