Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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