Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
