Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
