why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize