I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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