If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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