you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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