then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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