Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
