did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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