Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
