I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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