I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
