I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Randomize