I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
