dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
