Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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