Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Randomize
