she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
