You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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