the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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