ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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