That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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