Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
