We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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